A missing piece of SpongeBob's teenage years: 1974
by Homicidal Ovary
Summary: SpongeBob is in love with Molly, the school scapegoat. He wants to ask her to the Holiday dance, but so does Patrick. SpongeBob and Patrick battle each other without letting Molly know what's going on. May the better man win. Slash Gods have mercy on me.
1. Pat's in the way!

**Chapter 1: Pat's in the way!**

16-year old SpongeBob SquarePants sat at his maple oak desk with his face in his hands. He had a huge volcanic zit on the end of his nose and didn't want to make it obvious.

Or maybe covering it with his hands did make it obvious? Oh well, whatever.

The girl next to him was continually spraying hair spray on her big and bold afro, making SpongeBob sneeze. She looked at him, wide-eyed. Suddenly remorseful for making him sneeze and also polluting precious water, she tucked the aluminum can back into her purse.

SpongeBob went back to his daydreaming. Getting his driver's license, getting married to a hot chica, and living in a huge beautiful mansion.

Which, us SpongeBob fanatics know that none of that ever happens.

But it was 1974, and SpongeBob was ready to party like it was 1985! Or maybe, 1968? 1950s? Yeah, Post- WW2 tears. That's the ticket.

Us SpongeBob fanatics also know that SpongeBob was born in 1986, but it's fun to pretend he lived in the Drug Revolution.

Speaking of the Drug Revolution, 16-year old Patrick came in, a thin line of cocaine stuck to his lip.

"Uh, Pat," SpongeBob started, "You got some crack on your upper lip."

Patrick looked down at his groin.

"No, your other upper lip".

"Thanks, dude" said Patrick.

Patrick adjusted his knee high socks and sat down in front of SpongeBob.

SpongeBob didn't even want to imagine what life would be like without his best friend. Patrick had been there for him as long as he could remember. Every girl that rejected him, Patrick was there. Everything he ate, Patrick was there. Every crap he took, Patrick was there. Every breath he'd take, every move he'd make, every smile he faked, Patrick would be watching him… um, I'm getting off plot here.

Of course he made sure he was always there for Patrick, but lately there was someone else on his mind. Someone more feminine. Just then, _she _walked in the classroom. It was Molly. The most beautiful angelfish in the sea. Well to him she was anyway. To everyone else, she was an outcast.

But there was no doubt about it, he wanted her for Christmas; the only thing he wanted was her for Christmas.

Molly sat in her assigned seat, next to Patrick. Patrick had all hour access to Molly, and all SpongeBob could do was stare at the back of her head.

The bell rang, and everyone stopped talking. Mrs. Tuna (huge-ass pun intended) sat at her desk and examined her students carefully as the morning announcements came on:

"Don't forget to out your food cans in the bins designated…"

SpongeBob put his hands down on the desk and started to gingerly push away his cuticles as he listened.

"Gentlemen, we would appreciate it if you would stop putting stink bombs in the girls' locker room…"

SpongeBob got distracted when he saw Patrick and Molly giggling over a retarded game of tic-tac-toe.

"And everybody, don't forget to buy your sweetie a garter for this year's 42nd annual Holiday Dance!"

SpongeBob suddenly perked up. This could be his golden opportunity! If Molly went with him to the dance, he'd have her a whole night! There was just one thing in the way.

Patrick.

Oh yes, SpongeBob knew Patrick liked Molly too. He had to make sure this sucka went down. Molly would be his and there was no way around it.

***Decide now! Team SpongeBob or Team Patrick! Lol**

**Seriously, if you plan to leave a review, tell me what team you're on. It will amuse me and make my day nice…***


	2. Apples for Molly

_Dear Diary,_

_Sometimes I don't know whose staring back at me in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself anymore. Ever since I move her it seems no one is taking the slightest liking to me except for Patrick._

_And I'm not really attracted to him. He's too much of a druggie. I want to know about the boy who sits behind him._

_He's so cute! I love those innocent blue eyes and the buck teeth! Even though he get the occasional volcanic zit and tries to cover it with his hands, he's still the one I'm after. I'm just so scared of what he thinks of me. I mean, my hair is an ugly shade of black, but yet I have freckles. And ugh, that stupid Irish accent of mine! I'll just have to hand on and see if he'll ask me to the dance._

_Love, Molly_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Good morning SpongeBob!" said Molly as she walked in early to class.

Startled at her sudden friendliness, SpongeBob replied back: "Uh, hi- good morning M-Molly" SpongeBob flinched.

_He probably thinks I'm hideous, _Molly thought to herself. Disappointed, she sat down.

"It's so lovely to see you Molly!" Patrick blew in with the breeze. "I brought you some yellow apples!"

Molly was surprised. "Thank you Patrick! How'd you know that was my favorite fruit?"

"Just a lucky guess, I guess" smiled Patrick.

SpongeBob's face went red. He had to win her over, he just had to!

…………………………………………………………………………………………

SpongeBob went up to the counter of the cafeteria where they were selling the tickets.

"Um, I need to buy two tickets please."

Brandy, who was working the booth that day, popped her bubble gum annoyingly and sighed.

"They for you and Patrick?" she asked.

Brandy was the nosiest girl in Coral Reef High School, and everybody knew it.

"No! They're for me and a girl".

"Who's the girl?"

"It's none of your business"

"Tell me who the girl is, and I'll give you the tickets for free"

"No"

"I throw in a Bee Gees record"

"Well, okay," said SpongeBob, "I'm going to ask Molly to go with me."

Brandy was in disbelief. "Molly? Molly McCloud?"

"Yes."

"But why dude? She's the most picked on person in this school!"

"I think she's cute", said SpongeBob, "I don't care what other people say about her."

"There should be more people like you in this world, dude" said Brandy.

"Thanks for the groovy compliment."

**Der der der**


	3. Menage a Tois

SpongeBob waited at the front door.

_I will knock on this door. I will knock on this door. I will knock on this door. I will knock on this door._

But no matter how many times he said that to himself, he couldn't bring himself to knocking on that damn door.

He fingered the edge of his nose to make sure the zit had really gone away, or had just been a figment of his fantasies. He grasped the cheesecake firmly, staring at the wooden leprechaun knocker on her front door. His hands shook holding the tray.

_Stop it, the cake will fall off you dingbat, _he thought to himself.

He finally raised his fist to knock. He hesitated, fist held isolated in the air. It was tantalizing to just turn around and go home, but he resisted the temptation. He pushed his fist forward…

Molly opened the door at the wrong time: SpongeBob accidentally punched her in the face, knocking her to the floor on her back.

SpongeBob rushed to her side.

"Oh Molly, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to punch you!" SpongeBob apologized.

Molly grunted as she sat up.

"It's okay. I'm fine"

"I uh, brought you a cheesecake."

"Oh, that's so thoughtful of you SpongeBob" she said, "But why? I barely know you."

"M-Maybe you could get to know me… at the dance"

"Huh?"

"Molly-"

SpongeBob set down the cheesecake and took her hand.

"I really like you Molly, and I was hoping that you would go with me to the Holiday Dance."

"Aye, I would love too- oh wait, Patrick!"

SpongeBob sighed. "He all ready asked you didn't he?"

"Yes, and I said yes. I didn't think anybody else would ask me out."

"What are we going to do?" asked SpongeBob.

A wide smile suddenly spread across Molly's face.

"Well. Maybe we could have a threesome"…

(hee hee hee)


	4. Irish Angel

SpongeBob and Patrick waited at the bottom of the stairs for Molly. They grinned at each other when she finally did come down.

She had on a nice red dress that fit her figure well, and her hair was slightly curled.

"I don't look like a tramp do I?" asked Molly.

"No, not at all," said SpongeBob, "The only person that looks like a tramp in this room is Patrick."

"I do not!" Patrick argued.

"You're not wearing a shirt you dumb broad!" SpongeBob spat back.

"Boys! Boys! It's Christmas Eve, we need to get along!" said Molly.

"You're right" they both agreed.

Patrick turned and started out the door, leaving SpongeBob staring up at his Irish Angel. SpongeBob extended his hand up to her, and she took it gladly.

They stood in the doorway watching Patrick make snow angels… in the sand.

"You know," said Molly, "doing all those drugs is going to make him stupid someday."

"I think he'll be fine" said SpongeBob.

Patrick got off the ground and stood up.

"Hey SpongeBob! What's that thing hanging above your head?" yelled Patrick.

Molly and SpongeBob looked up to see mistletoe hanging above them; the glitter on it sparkling in the moonlight…

***Queue the "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww""**

**HAPPY HOLIDAYZ everyone!!! I wish you the best!***


End file.
